Classic Literature + Zombies = Wry Laughter

Fans of classic literature may have been gasping in dismay as they saw the cover of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith on book shelves last year.

I admit when I saw the cover, I was a little grossed out. Pictured is a woman in the period clothing of Austen's novel of almost the same title, only she's rather rotted looking, what with the flesh fallen away from her lower jaw, red eyes, and red spattered on the bosom of her white gown.

I turned away, thinking there was no way I'd waste money on that.

However, a few months later, the novel was still there on the bookstore shelf, taunting me.


Faithful fans of Jane Austen, don't be dismayed. The story line remains true to Austen's original work, insofar as the Bennet girls are still of a marriageable age, and two of the five are actively looking for husbands. The village of Meryton is still rife with strict social observances as is the whole of England. Only thing is, there are now zombies to contend with. And, instead of portrayals of vapid, mindless, and weak women who are concerned only with an invitation to a ball by a socially acceptable family so they may make "connections," we get some women of this mindset who are warriors trained in the art of zombie-killing.


It makes for an interesting mix. Not all women are trained in this manner, but Mr. Bennet, not overruled by his wife in this novel, which must be Grahame-Smith's doing, inists that his daughters be trained in the Chinese method of zombie-fighting so they may serve their country.


Mrs. Bennet is less concerned with fighting zombies than she is getting her daughters married off to suitable and wealthy men. Wealth, for Mrs. Bennet, no doubt comes first. This is true in this zombie adaptation as well as in Austen's original.


Also in both the original and the zombie adaptation, Lydia Bennet runs away with the wicked Wickham. This plot line leads to many clarifications of whose prideful behaviors and prejudices are getting in the way of straightforward communication, as happens in the original story as well, but with the addition of zombies, things get just a little bit silly.


During a dinner party, for instance, the guests are served with all the stiff-upper-lippish-British-aplomb that can be managed at such an affair. Things only start to drag a bit when the dessert is not served right away - at a whisper from the host, Elizabeth Bennet and the intrepid Mr. Darcy discreetly arm themselves and head to the kitchen. There, they find a grisly scene awaiting them - the kitchen staff is being gnawed on by zombies, who are a plague on the countryside in all but the coldest winter months (when the ground is too frozen for them to come out and roam around, looking for brains).


In fact, Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy make up and show their commitment to each other by killing zombies they find at specially made traps: heads of cauliflower, which look like brains to a zombie, and a snare that immobilizes the zombie so that its head may be cut off with little difficulty.


Romantic!


The usual humorous bits are there in the dialogue, as they are in the original novel. However, in this adaptation, there are the double entendres that would be harder to find in the original.


The insipid Miss Bingley, attempting to flirt with Mr. Darcy, asks of her brother,


"By the bye, Charles, are you really serious in meditating a dance at Netherfield? I would advise you to consult the wishes of the present party; I am much mistaken if there are not some among us to whom a ball would be rather a punishment than a pleasure."


"If you mean Darcy," cried her brother, "he may go to bed, if he chooses, before it begins - but as for the ball, it is quite a settled thing; and as soon as the ground has sufficiently hardened and the present increase in unmentionables [zombies] has passed, I shall send round my cards."


"I should like balls infinitely better," she replied, "if they were carried on in a different manner."


"You should like balls infinitely better," said Darcy, "if you knew the first thing about them."
                                                                                   pp. 44-45 Pride and Prejudice and Zombies


Well, you see what I mean. These straight-faced quips occur regularly throughout, and are perhaps what readers (or viewers of the films) would like for the characters to say to one another now and then. Anyone who staunchly insists on remaining true to Austen's original writing may not enjoy this interpretation.



You'll also enjoy the illustrations of Philip Smiley. They could easily have been engravings for a first publication back in the day, except - women in Austen's time likely weren't familiar with poses and positions needed to fight off zombies.



Grahame-Smith is not the only one to take on Austen's writings, however. Old Friends and New Fancies, first published in 1913, was the first novel to attempt a sequel to Austen's Pride and Prejudice.



Pemberly Shades: Pride and Prejudice Continues, according to Amazon.com, is a Gothic spin on the Darcy family after the marriage of Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. This novel was first published in 1949.


Mr. Darcy's Diary also appears, telling Austen's tale from the man's point of view.


Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife continues the tale begun in Pride and Prejudice, but adds more spice and sex than the original would even have hinted at.



It's obvious that rewriting and continuing the tales of a classic author is a fun challenge for many writers. Whether or not the changes enhance the original story is another opinion. As far as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies goes, I found it to be quite funny and would recommend that readers familiarize themselves with the original tale as well as this new spin. I don't think it would even matter in which order they're read.



True to many reprinted and new novels, "Zombies" also includes a reader's discussion guide. This is also worth some study, as the questions will certainly provoke much discussion, if not outright laughter: "Does Mrs. Bennet have a single redeeming quality?" or, in question number 8, "Vomit plays an important role in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. . . Do the authors mean for this regurgitation to symbolize something greater, or is it a cheap device to get laughs?" That 'authors' is plural is no mistake.


If you spend some time with the Zombie version of the novel, don't be sad when it ends. You can always pick up a copy of Austen & Grahame-Smith's Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.











Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith, 2009 Quirk Productions, Inc., Philadelphia, PA, www.quirkbooks.com, $12.95, 319 pages.  Excerpt p. 44-45 and cover are from the Quirk Productions, Inc. publication.

This post also appears at http://www.spanitz.com/artman/publish/article_224.shtml , Spantiz Consulting

January Slush

Meh. It's January, and it's slushy, now that we're having a bit of a thaw.  I don't have a single thing to really rant on and on about, so that means, O lucky readers, you get a little bit of everything.

• I look forward to the new season of American Idol after getting hooked on the show during the 2009 season.  A lot of people won't tune in until there are only a handful of contestants, because frankly - watching some of the auditions and some of the performances can be a downright painful experience.  Simon Cowell is brutally and assholishly (if I can make that a word) honest - but that's one of the things we love to hate about him.  Paula Abdul was just plain odd at times, and I thought I'd miss her this time around.  Not so - I watched the January 13th episode with guest judge, Mary J. Blige - and there certainly is less bickering with her in the judge's chair.  There were a lot of interesting people who auditioned for the show.  Some were very, very good.  Others were very, very bad.  So bad that it made the cat yowl in sympathy.  The highlight of the 90 minute episode was watching General Larry Platt sing an original song called "Pants on the Ground," which can be viewed on Youtube.  It's a catchy ditty, and I think it should be required listening and viewing for any gangsta-youth wanna-be.  I think it's funny, and so did judges Randy, Kara, Mary, and Simon.
• Am I the only person on the planet Earth who did not know what a Cougar Bar was?  I heard a reference to this in a conversation recently and said, "A what?"  My husband shook his head at how obviously sheltered I am and said, "There are reality t.v. shows about that right now."  Huh. Well, aside from American Idol, I don't really watch much t.v. because hubby usually has some sporting event on the screen.  Whatever.  I find it funny that older women now have a "designated name" for picking up younger men.  Men who were "kept" by older women - perhaps any woman - used to be called gigalos.  Older men who picked up younger women were called either perverts, or lucky.  Women are just "cougars," which implies a sleek, savvy, yet predatory creature.  Huh.
• It's winter time, people.  Do you know what a snowbrush is used for?  If that's even what the item is called, these days?  I can't help but shake my head over the number of people who persist in believing that it's safe to operate a motor vehicle with just one little round space cleared on the windshield, and perhaps a small space cleared on the back window.  Not to mention all the snow piled on top of the vehicle that blows off makes it extra super-great for anyone driving behind the idiot. 
• Once again, it's winter time, adults.  Do you know what your children are garbed in?  Please - get thee to a discount store and get some snowpants, boots, and a decent winter coat.  Plenty of places will help you purchase this stuff, or give it away - free.  There are also Goodwill and Salvation Army, and sometimes a St. Vincent De Paul store where you can buy discounted winter gear for your child.  It get cold in Michigan, so  please - keep your kids warm.  And if you're reading this on your own personal home computer with high-speed Internet, and your kid doesn't have the proper winter gear, shame on you.  If you can afford Internet service, you can afford winter gear for your kid.
• If you haven't visited Failbooking, you need to.  How can you possibly live when you miss out on such exchanges as these?  "Going to file for unemployment tomorrow and then pick up my  new X-box." 

Browse away.  And remember, keep your pants off the ground, why dontcha.

Winter Wear

Anyone who shops for clothing for either sex knows that there are disparities between the women's department and the men's. 

Men's clothing is typically better quality, and oftentimes less expensive.  At least, that's how it seems in my fantasy world.

Sometimes a woman can shop in the menswear section with great success.  Depending on a woman's figure and tastes, the men's department can be a veritable treasure trove:  belts, slacks, jeans, shirts (casual and dress), etc.

Other times, there is very limited success found across the aisle in the manly-man section of the store.

One thing I've always wondered though, and I know I'm not alone with this, is what's up with the winter coats for women?  I'm not talking about the poofy jackets from the 1980s, the kind with nylon outer shells that talked back to you when you swung your arms, and had decent linings in them to keep you toasty on the slopes.

I'm talking about the wool coats for women - the type that you can wear to church, something you can be dressed up in and not look silly wearing.  I have owned and worn many wool coats and I can tell you from first-hand experience, the woman's woolen coat is not a warm garment.

Yes, the outer shell of the coat is made of wool.  The coat typically has two pockets, sometimes sewn into the side seam of the coat, and sometimes added as a separate detail on the front of the coat.  The lining typically consists of this satiny-type fabric that is sewn into the coat, and is the only thing between you and the underside of the outerside of that woolen coat.

After a year or two of wear, the satiny lining is tearing away, sometimes shredded into oblivion, hanging below the hemline where it shouldn't be, and the pockets which contain the same lining, have irreparable holes.

Now I can sew, but I am not talented enough or patient enough to cut a new lining for a coat.  The outer part of the coat is perfectly fine, it's the inner part that gives me fits. 

Because I at least make an attempt to be frugal (if my spouse is reading this, he's rolling his eyes) I try not to *need* a new winter coat every season.  Typically, a winter coat will be useful to me for about 5 years, sometimes more, depending on how often I wear it, what I'm wearing it for, etc.    My most recently purchased coat (aside from the one I'm about to tell you about) is about 8 years old.  A black pea coat style, it was one of my first online purchases and was one of the things I dared purchase without trying it on, first.

I got lucky - this coat was a good buy, and as I wore it primarily for church and other dress-up occasions, it wore well, and was kept looking nice with regular dry cleaning.  Soon, this became my favorite winter garment, and I wore it everywhere. 

This year, I reached my frustration level with this coat.  The pocket had ripped out (thanks, cheap satiny lining) and in an attempt to repair it, and having little knowledge about sewing new pockets, I winged it and ended up with a useless pocket.  Whatever I did, it wasn't right - and the pocket is virtually useless unless you have a hand the size of Barbie's.  I just rolled my eyes, sighed heavily, and left my mistake as it was. I still had one useable pocket, after all.  Until a few weeks ago.

I took the coat off the hanger, turned it inside out, discovered the lining was ripped - and I mean gaping rips - in many places.  Where the inner seams meet the sleeve, the center seam of the lining which runs down the back of the jacket, the hemline was in threads.  Hm. Well, the outer part still looks good and the coat seems to have held its shape well, so maybe I can fix this lining.  Downstairs to the sewing machine I went.  The machine hummed merrily along, stitching that ripped lining back together. 

Within minutes of wearing it, and reaching over to find my sunglasses in the front seat of the car, I could hear the seams ripping again.

Well dang.  Rip. Rip Rip.  These not-so-subtle sounds were telling me I'd wasted my time on a lining that was past its life-span.

I headed off to a local department store, curious to see what end-of-season sales might yield.

I found a nice selection in the women's department, and there were many styles of woolen coats to be had and in a variety of colors from medium-gray and black to fuschia and chartruese.  Too bad there weren't a variety of sizes.  Coats from every woman's department (that is, Juniors, Misses, and Womens - I won't even get into what exactly those labels mean) had been shifted to the rack, and I was unable to find something in my size that would allow me to raise my arms let alone move my arms into a position for driving.

Apparently, a woman is supposed to just wear her coat and stand like a fashion model, thank you.  Don't ever have to wipe your nose or move your arm over the back seat of the car to smack the kid (I'm JOKING, people) or, heaven forbid, have to lift anything.  Your coat won't allow it.

Oh, and there's that cheap lining again. 

I was rather enjoying the detailing on some of this season's coats, too.  Now, I'm a big girl - and honestly, the last thing I need is any detailing on the ass-end of my coat.  I need no help in the caboose area unless there's a way to make it look smaller.  A faux belt, hanging below hip level, with lower backside fake pockets will do nothing for me, thank you.   Neither do I need a belt on a coat that has a double row of 6 buttons and four sets of front pockets - two for the chest, to for you to put your hands in, since you won't be able to move them in order to put on gloves anyhow.  Even if you weighed 80 lbs dripping wet, that particular coat would look like hell.

Failed mission.

As I was leaving the store, my eye was caught by a display of menswear.  Mannequins were wearing plain black coats.  Hm. They were wool. They were decent quality.  At least, they were no worse than what was offered on the other side of the store.  I didn't care much for the zipper style, but lo and behold - the classically styled pea coat, though in black rather than traditional navy blue, was still available. 

I plucked one off the hanger and put it on. 

I was able to move my arms in any direction I chose.

The sleeves were long enough. In fact, they were a hairsbreadth too long - but, that was a novelty I thought I could live with, never really having experienced too-long sleeves in the women's department.

Not only were the side-seam pockets functional, the lining felt durable.  Oh! And speaking of pockets! This coat had an inner pocket, as a man's suit coat might typically have.  Wow! Sometimes, I don't want to carry a purse but have no safe pocket to keep an identification in.  Problem solved.

Ooooh. And the LINING.  It's polyester, sure, but it's quilted. And, the coat fit even though I was wearing a sweater when I tried it on.  Quilted polyester - more than one layer in that lining, too. 

I took a critical look in the mirror.  A rather boxy-looking cut, but nothing outlandish - could almost pass for a trimmed down version of the shoulder-padded, 1940s style woolen coats many of us wore in the 1980s.    No bizarre trim on the heinie side of things.  Black is always slimming.  Aside from the coat buttoning on the wrong side, this looked like it might be it for me. 

Oh, and it was also half-price, which was added incentive.

I wore the coat for a few days.  I glammed it up a bit with a decorative brooch on the collar - seasonal Christmas bling.  I modeled it for my spouse and asked, "Does this look all right?"  He paused momentarily and said, "Yeah, why?"  I shrugged and said, "No reason."  I didn't let on I'd bought a new coat, and I didn't tell him it came from "his" department, and if my perfume didn't permeate it, he could even borrow it in a pinch if he wanted to.

My only question remains, though: Why is it that the men's outerwear always gets the best linings?  Do manufacturers and designers seriously think that women don't get cold out-of-doors?  Do they seriously think that women have no need for a little bit of warmth in their winter garments?  Get real, people. I live in Michigan. I shovel snow, and it gets damned cold out.  I need a coat with a lining, thank you, that consists of more than a flimsy piece of fabric that isn't generously cut to begin with.  It would also be nice to have a coat that is stylish with a warm lining.

It may be a while before anyone can reasonably answer that question.  Until then, I'll be keeping warm in my nice, new (man) coat.