I don't know why, but I went against my better judgement today and checked out a cart full of groceries in the self-checkout lane.

I can think of a few reasons not to do this.

1. Standing in line waiting for an actual clerk to handle your groceries, scan your coupons, bag your groceries, and make inane chatter with you means job security for the store employees. 
2. The more of us who use self-checkout, the fewer humans on hand to be earning a paycheck.
3. Self-checkout is a royal pain in the heinie unless you have fewer than ten items, and every checkout lane has a line that is snaking to the back of the store.

The last time I did self-checkout, the store had changed over its money system, and the machine wouldn't accept my debit card - which it had always accepted up to that point.  It then would not accept my check for whatever asinine reason, though it had always accepted checks up to that point.  I had to use my credit card in order to pay for the groceries, and let me tell you it was awfully tempting to just leave the cart there and walk out of the store.  All of my cold products had beads of sweat pouring down them by the time I got to leave - nearly 30 minutes later - and I vowed never again to do self-checkout.

It must have been the winsome expression on my son's face as he said, "Mom, we could just do self-checkout."  This is something he and dad like to do on their weekly trek to the grocery store.  Dad wasn't home this week, so I was pinch-hitting and getting groceries today.  Self-checkout is part of their routine, and despite the small ding of alarm that went off in my head, we headed over.

I scanned the first item.

The "I don't want to bag this item" popped up.

I tapped the message box, got back to the screen where I can scan groceries.

I scanned the second item.

The "Unknown item in bagging area" message popped up.

I returned to the previous screen and attempted to continue scanning groceries.

"Unknown item in bagging area,"  the machine sternly warned.

"Wait for customer assistance."

I waited.

I waited some more.

My son patiently asked when the groceries were heading down his way, for bagging.

The red light above the lane flashed cheerfully.

Finally, someone came over and cleared the system so I could continue scanning.

I scanned a few more items, frequently tapping the "I don't want to bag this item" message box.

"Unknown item in bagging area. Wait for customer assistance."

Customer assistance came in a few minutes, and discovered that the scale in the conveyor belt didn't like frozen vegetables.  The vegetables had rung up, but evidently weren't heavy enough to be considered a "known item" to be sent down to the bagging area.  Therefore, the conveyor belt was sending them back to me.

I scanned a few more items, this time, fresh produce.

"Unknown item in bagging area. Wait for customer assistance."

The clerk came over, saw that I had rung up grapes and exclaimed, "Holy cow! $3.44? Do you really want those?"

"You're kidding. Not at that price, " I replied.  "Thought those were supposed to be on sale."

The clerk nodded sympathetically,  "Just the red and black ones are on sale, I don't know why they do that."  She weighed the red grapes and said, "These are a much better deal."

She kindly removed the offending green grapes from my order.

I continued scanning items, tapping the "I don't want to bag this item" message box because for whatever reason, the conveyor belt scale just didn't like any of the items I was purchasing today.

It was time to scan coupons.  The first one I scanned immediately prompted this message, "Customer service required."  This meant, naturally, that I couldn't do anything else until the clerk came over to personally sign in and override whatever it was in the system that wasn't accepting my store-sponsored coupon for a cereal discount.

By this time I've worked up a good head of steam, but that cuss jar at home is keeping me in check.  Luckily for those around me, and the change in the ashtray of my car.

The clerk kindly scanned the rest of my coupons, to ensure that she wouldn't have to come over and play customer assistance with me any more during this transaction.

I pay, then move to the bagging area to help my son bag the remaining items.

We're nearly finished, when the Expletive Deleted guy in line behind me immediately starts scanning his stuff and sending it down the conveyor belt. . . to get mixed up with what is left of my unbagged groceries.

My son, with typical kid-honesty, says, "That is not ours." 

I bite my tongue and continue bagging.  The Expletive Deleted guy walks down and casually plucks his milk out of my groceries, sets it at the head of the conveyor belt, only to have it slowly make its way toward me again.  This time, he leaves it.

I bite my tongue though I'm sure I've got a really nasty look on my face, and finish bagging groceries - being sure only to keep the eggs out of the bag with canned goods.

I wanted to tell the guy a few things, though.  Since the kids don't get on this page, I'm going to pretend the cuss jar doesn't apply to what I post, here.

"Hey, you freaking moron.  Can't you see that I'm not quite finished at this lane, yet?  I realize it's self-serve, but you could attempt an ounce of consideration and hold off sending your crap down to the end here until I've got my stuff bagged up.  I have a seven-year-old helping me bag groceries, for pete's sake - can't you wait freaking two minutes for us to finish up? Huh, ASSHOLE?  I don't FRICKING CARE how many shopping days there are until CHRISTMAS, you don't have to act like you FRICKING OWN the CHECK OUT LANE. BACK OFF!"

But, I didn't say anything.  I didn't even give the Expletive Deleted guy a dirty look when I left.  I did, however, renew my vow to never use self-checkout again for a full load of groceries.

Don't Drive in my Lane When I'm Driving There

I don't like it when other people try to walk using my feet.

I realize accidents happen, and toes will be trod upon from time to time.

I really, really hate it when people try to drive in my lane when I'm right next to them.

That really is an accident waiting to happen, and while I realize those happen from time to time as well, in most cases they are preventable.

The dotted white lines are painted there for a reason.  One reason is to help drivers drive in their OWN lanes.  Observant drivers will notice when they are drifting over that white line and immediately correct so no accident occurs.

Others like to text while they're driving, and even while the other driver's car horn sounds loudly and repeatedly, as this happens at least three times as I'm stuck in traffic next to this farging moron, the other driver's head barely lifts from looking at some object near her lap, WHILE SHE'S DRIVING, and drifting into my lane.

I'd almost rather have people talk on their cell phones while they drive than to have them TEXT while they drive.  At least cell phone drivers give the appearance of looking  at where they are going, even if they aren't entirely focusing on where they are going. 

So will ya knock it off, ya freakin' morons and just save the texting for when you're a passenger?

Homeowner Meeting Shenanigans

My uncle in Miami, Florida emailed me about an encounter he had at a homeowner association meeting, recently.  It's too good not to share, so here's a word from Unk Red English.  You'll be shaking your head, wondering if you've witnessed a Simpson's episode online instead of on the Fox channel.  Here it is:





It’s funny just how real the statement “There’s no fixin' stupid” can be.



Your Uncle Red attended a homeowners meeting the other night since they advertised discussion about new school boundaries, and invited everyone to meet their school board representative.



Well it was going along fine, that is until it was asked what went through their infantile minds to allow three schools to open (with a total enrollment of over 3500 kids) on a two lane road that is the rear exit to our neighborhood . That’s right, two lanes: one in and one out.

It didn’t matter that we already knew it is a major mess, we knew this before they slammed the new schools up. But did anyone listen? So they presented the case study they did, traffic analysis for two years in 2004, they did engineering studies in 2004-5 indicating that all was well, but the growth of the enrollment due to an economic downturn has caused the enrollment to swell as many people pulled their kids out of private school and enrolled them into public school. Annnnnnnnd as the guy in the $500.00 suit went on, our kids are some of the finest, our educators are the best and we are fighting day to day to receive state dollars to help with our loss of tax revenues. Buuuuuuuut all in all you parents should be proud bla bla bla.



Until Unk Red stood up.



“So let me see if a non-educated farmer's son can understand all this.”



“Go ahead Mr. English," said the man in the $500.00 suit.



“Please don’t call me by that name, they called my father that way and I never felt I have earned his status to be addressed that way. Call me Red.”



“Ok. Mr. English," said the man in the $500.00 suit.



“So you built a new school and you calculated in 2004 the attendance of the school at approximately 2200 students, is that correct?”



“Yes. Mr. English," answered the man in the expensive suit.



“I asked not to be addressed that way.”



“ Oh, that wasn’t a joke?" asked the man in the suit.



“ No offense, Mr. Educator, but do I look like I am fucking smiling?”



“Well sir, if you're going to be arrogant or nasty or disrespectful...”  began the man in the suit.



“I am going to ask one more time, DO NOT ADDRESS ME AS MR. ENGLISH.”



“Ok.” responded the man in the suit.


"So based on the factor of 2200 students and we are the fourth largest school system in the USA, there have been studies done that approximate vehicular traffic into schools for drop off and pick up. Do you want to see the numbers that your own studies have shown for a school this size?  No? Ok, let's move on.  So you people ignored your own studies, ignored the State Law regarding traffic patterns, ignored the protest of the community over roadway concerns.  So how do you propose to fix it?”



“ It’s Red, right?” asked the clueless man in the suit.  “Well Red, those studies you speak about - we’ve never seen them, don’t know what you're talking about.  But let me just say what a tremendous job is being done at the new school with the Spanish program and the new marine science lab.”



“Well I got them from your office, and they show a pattern of 23% of parents  who will drive their kids solo to school for drop off, and 18% for pick up,  which means you people are shoving over 350 cars into a two lane road three-quarters of a mile long, in the time frame of twenty minutes.”



“Excuse me did you say 'you people',” queried the man in the expensive suit.



“Yes.”



“ Is that a slur upon my Jewish heritage? Because if it is, I am not going to allow you, Mr. English, to use anti-Semitic words to me.” responded the man in the expensive suit.



“WHAT?? What are you saying ? I refer to 'you people' as the representatives of the school board and the cluster fuck you have made of the rear gate to our neighborhood by allowing a school to be built on a two lane road which houses over 1600 kids. Also, I don‘t know what your background is. ”



“Let me remind you, Mr. English, my people don’t take lightly to people like you who malign the Jews because of your not understanding the suffering we endured during the war, bla bla bla…” continued the man in the expensive suit.



“Now hold on a doggone minute, how did this go from congested traffic to war memories?  I never said anything related to that.”



“Well, you need to understand this is a sensitive issue for us and we won’t sit still if someone slights us like you did," sputtered the man in the expensive suit.



“What the fuck? Are you insane? I never said anything other than referencing this traffic study from your office, which you deny exists.  In fact, here’s a copy of it you can have.  Now you have me really pissed. So this lady over here is the principal for the middle school near my house?? Yes, ok, so. Where is the American flag that’s supposed to be flying over the school each day it is in session???”



“Well, we had a broken pulley and it’s been fixed but I get to work before the sun goes up . Since I am talking, we have a major problem at our school . See, we’re $10,000 short in our sports program and that sports program is how we get kids to come to school, and we also throw in education while they're there. So we need to keep selling banner ads on our fence, which faces the outside of your community, so we can pay for the buses to travel to soccer games," answers the principal, brightly.



“Just a minute.  So you have no excuse for the flag, right?”



“Well, I have been so busy with the soccer program and trying to raise money for those banners……after all, we have autonomy when it comes to school grounds so we don’t need permits for those banners. All the money goes directly to the school.”continues the principal.



“Excuse me, Ms. Hugo Chavez wannabe, but no you don’t and where you got that idea from is ludicrous. The school board has autonomy from filing permits and inspections on repairs and additions related to work performed by their own maintenance department. As a licensed General Contractor and former school contractor, I know you are wrong. Does this also coincide somehow with your inability to fly the flag, which is a requirement of all public buildings in this county, during their hours of operation?”



“I’ll have to speak to our legal department, because those banners can generate almost $60,000 in revenue," continued the clueless principal.



“Well, did you, as the principal, ever think to give the flag raising and lowering to the chess club, or the wood shop, or maybe the journalism department? Or better yet, how about the hall monitors?”



"We don’t have any of those. We do have a fine soccer team, as well as baseball team. The county won’t allow football in middle school," replied the principal.



“Let’s get back to the flag there, Dr. Demento.”



“What?” asked the principal.



“See, I am demanding that tomorrow morning that flag is on the pole, and I will be standing there to see it raised.  If it isn’t raised and properly set to the correct position, I will be standing next to a Miami Herald reporter and also an ex-marine color guard. So maybe you better study tonight what is your responsibility for that flag.”



“Also," continued Unk Red English,  "we are filing a petition to have your banners removed from the fence because they are an eyesore to our community. What you do on the soccer field or baseball fence is your business, but not facing the major road into the school. We are not going to tolerate it.”

“But we can get $1000.00 for the front fence and only $250.00 apiece for the school field,” argued the principal.

“Tough shitskies, Dr. Lamebrain.  Let’s think 'American Flag,'  shall we?”



“Well, you know, we tried to get flag football, but we need donations for the uniforms if anyone is interested," responded the principal, who likely has the intelligence of Ralph Wiggum of Fox channel's The Simpsons.




Unk Red reports:

The next morning, the flag never was raised, they couldn’t find it. The basic premise is that flag and what it represents and how the area where I live has put on a back burner the allegiance required to live here. How someone born on this soil can be verbally abused for no reason other than the single-mindedness of a few.


The above is a true story, it happened last week, and it wouldn’t be so funny if my daughter wasn’t attending the elementary school next to that middle school.  Maybe by the time she gets there it will change.



This post also appears at http://www.spanitz.com/artman/publish/article_221.shtml. 

Post-Halloween Pot Pourri

If you're thinking that the title of this post indicates a creative way to scent your home using dried pumpkin seeds and candy wrappers from Halloween, you're wrong.  "Pot Pourri" is just my title for when I can't think of any one specific thing to write, but instead have a few little things to write.  So - off we go.

• I should be mystified by this sight, but I'm not. Today, November 6, 2009, I witnessed a semi-truckload of Christmas trees heading down the road.  WTF people, (Wow, That's Freaky, people - for those who prefer to think of this as a family site) it's NOVEMBER. And not November 29th, which is the start of Advent, for some religions.  It's EARLY NOVEMBER. Can we "can" the Christmas stuff, at the very least, until December 1?
• Better yet, may I suggest a full-blown revolt where the majority of people in this country get their heads out of their . . . wallets? greed? shopping malls? . . . and start celebrating Christmas beginning on December 24th? Shop ahead, please do.  Get your tree a week or two before Christmas if you wish. But let's quit catering to Commercialized Christmas.  Are you sick of Christmas music, already? In November?
• Oh, and let's celebrate Christmas for the full 12 days - until January 6. It is NOT time for Valentines by 1:00 p.m. December 25.
• And, dammit, I'm referring to the trees as "Christmas" and music as "Christmas" and not "holiday trees" or "holiday music."  There ARE other holidays.  When people say "holiday music," it's entirely possible they're referring to some jingle about an Easter bonnet with frills upon it.  Or, perhaps, a John Phillip Sousa march in a 4th of July parade.
• Like calling a spade a spade, I'm calling a holiday a holiday, too.  If I were of a different faith, I might participate in Passover, Kwaanza, Ramadan, Diwali, Maha Shiva Ratri, or Paryushana-Parva.  But - I'm of the faith that celebrates Christmas, and so I refer to December 25th as "Christmas" and all the (sometimes, and unfortunately commercial) accoutrements of that day as "Christmas" items: Christmas music, Christmas gifts, Christmas trees, etc.
• I understand that "Happy Holidays" is generic enough of a greeting to not offend most people, but if this is the case, why limit the phrase to just December? Why can't we say "Happy Holidays" in April, or July? There are holidays throughout the year, after all.
• My sister and I have decided that we'll have to make sure every hair is in place, and our clothing perfect before we set foot in any store from now on. I'd hate to see us end up on the People of Walmart site.  I was at our local Walmart today, and for once didn't see anyone who made me wish I had a camera.
• Must I tattoo it on foreheads?  If you're over the age of five, please give this up:  No more wearing of pajamas in public places.  I beseech you.  A full-grown adult entered my workplace this week wearing pajamas, complete with slippers.  To my knowledge, this parent wasn't ill, recovering from surgery, or wearing the only items of clothing she owned.  KNOCK IT OFF, PEOPLE!!!
• Does anyone else think that "self-checkout" at stores is overrated?  Has anyone else ever thought that perhaps, if everyone quit using the self-checkout and instead went to the aisles with an actual, live person behind the register, people might keep their jobs a little longer?  Just wondering.
• I'm pretty bummed that the B. Dalton Bookstore at our local shopping mall is closing.  B. Dalton is part of the Barnes and Noble chain, and paying the lease at the mall is what's killing the company.  I don't think our city has another bookstore. There are several used-book stores around, but the only option for new books will now be found at the local Walmarts, Meijer, Target, and Kmart stores - which have a very limited selection.  We can drive to the next town and shop at the Barnes and Noble there, but it's a shame that we're losing a good bookstore with really great employees.  B. Dalton has the kind of employees who can help you find the book you want even when you don't know the title or the author.  Can you describe the cover? Remember the subject matter? Where you last saw it in the store?  They'll find it for you.  And now, those employees might be able to work at the Barnes & Noble store, but many of them will be laid-off. 
• School pictures:  They suck, there's no doubt about it.  It's torturous to see the final result, but it has to be even worse taking pictures of the little darlings, who wiggle and grimace and rarely have a natural smile when the flash goes off.   I heartily recommend, if you hate your school pictures, or your work I.D. card, a site called Yearbook Yourself.   Here, you can download a picture of yourself, and see what you look like with hairstyles from the 1950s or the wonderful 1980s.  There are wonderful hair-cuts to relive for both men and women.

Candy Carnage

Halloween is over, and that means it's time to dip into the huge supply of candy my kids collected October 31st.  Before I attempt to eat all of their chocolate without them knowing, I have a few wandering thoughts about Halloween:

• Where have all the Reese's peanut butter cups gone?  Are candy givers more in tune to the peanut allergies many kids have, and thus decided not to risk tossing peanut butter cups to ghouls & goblins?  Between my two kids, there were 3 peanut butter cups in evidence.  I couldn't pilfer one without it being noticeable, and was given one out of pity by my daughter.  I'll have to buy my own bag, next time, I guess. Last year, I was able to eat a whole bunch of Reese's peanut butter cups without the kids missing a single one.
• Windy, wintry weather kept lots of kids from trick-or-treating in some neighborhoods this year.  My own were on grandpa & grandma's street, going door-to-door with out-of-town cousins.  My mom had lots of candy left over, unlike in previous years.
• On our street, where my husband stayed to hand out candy to the multitudes, there were at least 400 kids who came through. Some on foot from the neighborhood, some by the carload.  My husband ran out of candy and tapped into my personal stash of Hershey Kisses before turning out the light and calling it a night.
• Across the road, in a neighborhood just like ours, there were only 30 trick-or-treaters who visited a friend's door.
• Clark bars have always signified Halloween to me, along with that nasty, stale, hard as a rock Double Bubble and Bazooka gum. 
• Nobody gave popcorn balls or apples this year.
• No sign of pennies, either.  When I was a kid, there were a few people who would toss a few pennies into the candy bag of each trick-or-treater.
• I saw fewer adults trying for free candy this year.  A few adults, well past the teen years, wore only masks and street clothes came to our door.  My husband heckled them openly for their lack of anything festive beyond the mask.  "They didn't even bring a bag for the candy," he said.  "What, do ya wanna come in and shower while you're here? Anything else ya forget?" he asked.  One beggar came to the door with a winter scarf covering the lower half of her face. No mask, no costume. Sheesh, give it up, people.
• Upper-elementary aged boys have no qualms about dressing up as girls for Halloween.  It's nice that they're so secure in their sexuality that putting on a dress and high heels and a wig doesn't phase them.  It's also refreshing that their classmates didn't greet them with rude names, too.  Had we been of a size, I'd have asked to borrow the one boy's dress.  Too bad for me!
• I'm really bummed that it rained Friday, October 30th, and the grade school kids were unable to have their traditional Halloween parade through the streets near the school.  Instead, we paraded for a handful of parents who lined the gym-a-teria (or is it a cafe-nasium?) to glimpse their child in costume.
• My middle-school-aged daughter was really bummed that once you hit middle school, you don't get to wear your costume to school.  But, if you go to the after school dance, you can costume up then.
• The funniest thing that happened while trick-or-treating was a youngster who was racing ahead of the rest, to have her mother say, "Slow down!"  The youngster stopped, struck the 'aw mom' pose and said, "But MOooOOM, I JUST wanna GET this OVER with!"  Mom was poking fun at how awful it was to be given free candy just for wearing a costume and hollering "trick-or-treat."  "But MooOOOom," the girl responded, "MY FEET ARE NUMB!"
• Windy, wintry weather descended October 31st, here in mid-Michigan.  My brother and I reminisced about past Halloweens.  It was either 80 degrees, or we wore winter coats.  Winter coats were always unzipped so people could see that we had a costume on.  Numb and shivering, we'd race house to house, where we'd eagerly fight for a foothold on the porch or steps, holding out our plastic pumpkins or pillowcases for a treat.  Neighborhood kids always got a plastic baggie of treats, whereas interlopers got the standard 1-2 pieces of candy.
• I enjoyed dressing up for Halloween. As a staff member at an elementary school, a theme is decided on and we're off and running. It was rather amusing too, to dash about town in my mad scientist/Igor get-up and see the responses from strangers.  Driving by in the car and passing people, while you're in costume, is also worth a laugh.

Happy Halloween, everyone.  By Thanksgiving day, when you're sick of all that candy left at your house, check for peanut butter cups. If you have any left - send them to me!