Homeowner Meeting Shenanigans

My uncle in Miami, Florida emailed me about an encounter he had at a homeowner association meeting, recently.  It's too good not to share, so here's a word from Unk Red English.  You'll be shaking your head, wondering if you've witnessed a Simpson's episode online instead of on the Fox channel.  Here it is:





It’s funny just how real the statement “There’s no fixin' stupid” can be.



Your Uncle Red attended a homeowners meeting the other night since they advertised discussion about new school boundaries, and invited everyone to meet their school board representative.



Well it was going along fine, that is until it was asked what went through their infantile minds to allow three schools to open (with a total enrollment of over 3500 kids) on a two lane road that is the rear exit to our neighborhood . That’s right, two lanes: one in and one out.

It didn’t matter that we already knew it is a major mess, we knew this before they slammed the new schools up. But did anyone listen? So they presented the case study they did, traffic analysis for two years in 2004, they did engineering studies in 2004-5 indicating that all was well, but the growth of the enrollment due to an economic downturn has caused the enrollment to swell as many people pulled their kids out of private school and enrolled them into public school. Annnnnnnnd as the guy in the $500.00 suit went on, our kids are some of the finest, our educators are the best and we are fighting day to day to receive state dollars to help with our loss of tax revenues. Buuuuuuuut all in all you parents should be proud bla bla bla.



Until Unk Red stood up.



“So let me see if a non-educated farmer's son can understand all this.”



“Go ahead Mr. English," said the man in the $500.00 suit.



“Please don’t call me by that name, they called my father that way and I never felt I have earned his status to be addressed that way. Call me Red.”



“Ok. Mr. English," said the man in the $500.00 suit.



“So you built a new school and you calculated in 2004 the attendance of the school at approximately 2200 students, is that correct?”



“Yes. Mr. English," answered the man in the expensive suit.



“I asked not to be addressed that way.”



“ Oh, that wasn’t a joke?" asked the man in the suit.



“ No offense, Mr. Educator, but do I look like I am fucking smiling?”



“Well sir, if you're going to be arrogant or nasty or disrespectful...”  began the man in the suit.



“I am going to ask one more time, DO NOT ADDRESS ME AS MR. ENGLISH.”



“Ok.” responded the man in the suit.


"So based on the factor of 2200 students and we are the fourth largest school system in the USA, there have been studies done that approximate vehicular traffic into schools for drop off and pick up. Do you want to see the numbers that your own studies have shown for a school this size?  No? Ok, let's move on.  So you people ignored your own studies, ignored the State Law regarding traffic patterns, ignored the protest of the community over roadway concerns.  So how do you propose to fix it?”



“ It’s Red, right?” asked the clueless man in the suit.  “Well Red, those studies you speak about - we’ve never seen them, don’t know what you're talking about.  But let me just say what a tremendous job is being done at the new school with the Spanish program and the new marine science lab.”



“Well I got them from your office, and they show a pattern of 23% of parents  who will drive their kids solo to school for drop off, and 18% for pick up,  which means you people are shoving over 350 cars into a two lane road three-quarters of a mile long, in the time frame of twenty minutes.”



“Excuse me did you say 'you people',” queried the man in the expensive suit.



“Yes.”



“ Is that a slur upon my Jewish heritage? Because if it is, I am not going to allow you, Mr. English, to use anti-Semitic words to me.” responded the man in the expensive suit.



“WHAT?? What are you saying ? I refer to 'you people' as the representatives of the school board and the cluster fuck you have made of the rear gate to our neighborhood by allowing a school to be built on a two lane road which houses over 1600 kids. Also, I don‘t know what your background is. ”



“Let me remind you, Mr. English, my people don’t take lightly to people like you who malign the Jews because of your not understanding the suffering we endured during the war, bla bla bla…” continued the man in the expensive suit.



“Now hold on a doggone minute, how did this go from congested traffic to war memories?  I never said anything related to that.”



“Well, you need to understand this is a sensitive issue for us and we won’t sit still if someone slights us like you did," sputtered the man in the expensive suit.



“What the fuck? Are you insane? I never said anything other than referencing this traffic study from your office, which you deny exists.  In fact, here’s a copy of it you can have.  Now you have me really pissed. So this lady over here is the principal for the middle school near my house?? Yes, ok, so. Where is the American flag that’s supposed to be flying over the school each day it is in session???”



“Well, we had a broken pulley and it’s been fixed but I get to work before the sun goes up . Since I am talking, we have a major problem at our school . See, we’re $10,000 short in our sports program and that sports program is how we get kids to come to school, and we also throw in education while they're there. So we need to keep selling banner ads on our fence, which faces the outside of your community, so we can pay for the buses to travel to soccer games," answers the principal, brightly.



“Just a minute.  So you have no excuse for the flag, right?”



“Well, I have been so busy with the soccer program and trying to raise money for those banners……after all, we have autonomy when it comes to school grounds so we don’t need permits for those banners. All the money goes directly to the school.”continues the principal.



“Excuse me, Ms. Hugo Chavez wannabe, but no you don’t and where you got that idea from is ludicrous. The school board has autonomy from filing permits and inspections on repairs and additions related to work performed by their own maintenance department. As a licensed General Contractor and former school contractor, I know you are wrong. Does this also coincide somehow with your inability to fly the flag, which is a requirement of all public buildings in this county, during their hours of operation?”



“I’ll have to speak to our legal department, because those banners can generate almost $60,000 in revenue," continued the clueless principal.



“Well, did you, as the principal, ever think to give the flag raising and lowering to the chess club, or the wood shop, or maybe the journalism department? Or better yet, how about the hall monitors?”



"We don’t have any of those. We do have a fine soccer team, as well as baseball team. The county won’t allow football in middle school," replied the principal.



“Let’s get back to the flag there, Dr. Demento.”



“What?” asked the principal.



“See, I am demanding that tomorrow morning that flag is on the pole, and I will be standing there to see it raised.  If it isn’t raised and properly set to the correct position, I will be standing next to a Miami Herald reporter and also an ex-marine color guard. So maybe you better study tonight what is your responsibility for that flag.”



“Also," continued Unk Red English,  "we are filing a petition to have your banners removed from the fence because they are an eyesore to our community. What you do on the soccer field or baseball fence is your business, but not facing the major road into the school. We are not going to tolerate it.”

“But we can get $1000.00 for the front fence and only $250.00 apiece for the school field,” argued the principal.

“Tough shitskies, Dr. Lamebrain.  Let’s think 'American Flag,'  shall we?”



“Well, you know, we tried to get flag football, but we need donations for the uniforms if anyone is interested," responded the principal, who likely has the intelligence of Ralph Wiggum of Fox channel's The Simpsons.




Unk Red reports:

The next morning, the flag never was raised, they couldn’t find it. The basic premise is that flag and what it represents and how the area where I live has put on a back burner the allegiance required to live here. How someone born on this soil can be verbally abused for no reason other than the single-mindedness of a few.


The above is a true story, it happened last week, and it wouldn’t be so funny if my daughter wasn’t attending the elementary school next to that middle school.  Maybe by the time she gets there it will change.



This post also appears at http://www.spanitz.com/artman/publish/article_221.shtml.