Skin tight? Don't Do It

CAUTION: THE CONTENTS OF THIS PAGE MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN

I don't know how many times I have to say it.

Apparently, I won't be able to say it enough.

Why? Because not every person in the United States has gotten the message yet. I'm not quite ready to go global, but it may have to reach that point.
Today, I had the eye-bugging displeasure of seeing a nicely dressed, shapely woman wearing a business suit. The jacket looked nice, her accessories were tasteful. But, while the slacks were a good length, they were more than a bit snug, the seam of said slacks neatly dividing her buttocks into two rounds - very unattractive, and makes me wonder if she wondered throughout the day, "Why do these slacks feel funny?"

Please, please, please, please ladies....if you're going to wear tight pants, let's follow a few guidelines.

• Thou shalt not wear slacks of any fabric that allow your buttocks to become separate cheeks, each vying for a run for freedom in separate directions. No one wants to witness your buttocks churning under a layer of denim, polyester, or spandex.
• Thou shalt not wear slacks that are a size or two too small. This accomplishes nothing more than to make you look like ten pounds of sugar in a five pound sack. My daddy had a saying about that, only he substituted another word with an "SH" sound. And I'll tell you right now, it wasn't "sugar."
• Thou shalt not skip wearing the proper undergarments underneath your tight slacks. I know, everybody complains about visible panty lines. Go shopping, sisters, and find that brand that makes panty lines invisible. We'd rather not consider the unsanitary conditions roaming the up-close-and-personal parts of the insides of your slacks while you run about town sans underpants.
• Thou shalt not wear sweatpants or "lounge pants" (aka pajama bottoms) in public places unless you're recovering from surgery of some sort and cannot wear anything else. Otherwise, skip it. Dress like an adult and wear something else.

• Thou shall find slacks of a proper length and fit. This means they will not be tight, ladies, but form fitting. There is a difference, and it involves more than semantics. Tight means looking like a two-dollar whore cramming ten pounds of sugar into that five-pound sack. Form-fitting means looking like a million dollar baby who looks great and feels fabulous because she's wearing clothing that is flattering to her figure, regardless of her size, because it isn't too small and, thus, too tight.
• Thou shall wear a belt if thou needest one. Don't skip this, please. I don't want to be able to tell, once you are seated and that inevitable gap that can happen between your backside and the waistband of your pants starts to fall open, whether or not you are wearing a thong, granny's tighty-whities, nothing at all, or that fabulous brand (someone, please, tell me what it is?) that doesn't show pantylines.
• If thou hast trouble finding slacks that fit, though shalt find a good tailor. Yes, they do exist. Ask around, see who does alterations. Check your higher-end clothing stores for a reference. Check your local yellow pages. A tuck here and there, taking in or letting out of seams in strategic places, or a hem taken up or let down can do wonders for the fit of your slacks. And if you spent money to buy the slacks and plan to wear them frequently, then spend a few dollars to have them look decent while they're on your body.

Ok. So, everybody take note of this please, and get it right. Or I'm going to start taking pictures (I'll have to invest in a camera phone, I suppose, in order to be discreet) and start another web site. You know, something along the lines of "People of Walmart," which as of this moment is displaying a photo of a woman wearing hot pink, skin tight capris which unfortunately reveal the woman is wearing no underpants (unless she found those fabulous 'no pantylines' brand) and does, indeed, have two butt cheeks.


Ay yi yi. Time to go wash my eyes.
(photos from the People of WalMart web site, http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/)