Cell Phone Adrenaline

I'm the reluctant owner of a cell phone.

My husband and I never wanted to be one of those people who had dramatic ring tones for every caller in our list. We didn't want to be the ones whose phone would go off at inopportune moments just so others could hear us saying, "Oh, nothing. What are YOU doing?" Or worse yet, having others hear us say, "Can you hear me now?"

My spouse and I fought this for years, and conceded two years ago that a cell phone would be a handy thing since one of us was always on the road for one thing or another. So we did the unthinkable - purchased one cell phone, and shared it.

The next unthinkable thing was, we didn't share the number with anybody. Only those we called managed to capture the number, not that it did much good. Typically, unless we were out of the house and on a road trip, the cell phone was off.

As my husband's job evolved, the need for another cell phone made itself obvious. I got a new one early in the year, and while it was an upgrade from our first model, it had one tiny little problem.

Frequently, I'd get a "check call 34 restriction" message. I had no idea what this meant. Perhaps it was code language for "You are too stupid to possess a cell phone let alone ever attempt to use one." All I knew for sure was when that message appeared on the screen, I couldn't make any outgoing calls.

Well-intentioned people would try to help me. "Well, where were you when you tried to make the call," they'd ask. Here are some of the answers:

• In my car, in a parking lot, at a complete standstill.
• Still within the county line.
• Within the city limits.
• In the mall.
• In my house.
• In my front yard.
• In my back yard.
• On my porch.
• On the back deck.
• In the neighbor's yard.

Sometimes, if I turned off the phone and turned it on again in quick succession, I'd be able to place the call. Other times, if I drove or moved ten feet in any direction, I'd be able to place the call. Most of the time, I just couldn't place the call.
Perhaps "Check call 34 restriction" really meant "No matter what you do, you will forever be tormented with this mysterious message."
I put up with this for six months. I rarely used the phone, I reasoned, so why worry about it.
The high water mark came last week when our neighbor was having some construction work done. By construction work, I mean there were well-built guys roaming the yard, some shirtless, with heavy equipment capable of digging mass graves.
As I'm in my kitchen window, trying to unobtrusively peek at the eye candy, my lights go out. Evidently, whoever called Miss Dig and thus the utility companies, neglected to let the power company know that my power line was running underground somewhere near where the digging was going on. I didn't know this at the time, however.
Aside from the obvious problem of fricasseed construction worker - and thankfully, nobody was injured - this presents some problems for me. My daughter pointed out the refrigerator had quit humming. I thought at first maybe we'd blown a fuse - after all, we learned early on never to run the dishwasher, toaster, microwave, radio, and oven all at the same time. Maybe running the toaster and the refrigerator was going to have permanent, negative effects until we called in an electrician.
Nope. No blown fuse.
Turns out it was the construction guys.
I also had no phone service. Whatever mysteries of the universe conspire to get electric and phone service worked well to also cancel those out. This also meant no Internet. Ah ha! The cell phone!
I attempt to place a call. I wanted to ask dear old dad, who is an expert on such things, if it's possible for part of your electric service to be knocked out. Oddly enough, the air conditioning was still on, there were lights in other parts of the house, but nothing clicked on in the kitchen, dining room, or basement. So - was it the construction next door, or was it some fluke with one of the services?
My call wouldn't go through. "Check call 34 restriction."
???
I imagined an automated voice, "You are so freaking screwed with this cell phone. Any further attempt to dial will result in loss of fingers and sanity."
I tried the call again in the back yard, front yard, garage, various parts of the house. No luck. I then resorted to what people used to do when there were no cell phones: I walked next door and asked my other neighbor if I could use the phone.
I have very nice neighbors. They even let me come inside the house to dial, and listened, rather amused, as I relayed my question. The man of the house even walked back to my yard to ask the construction guys what was going on. I pointed out that they'd hit a line to my house, and this could be a problem since we'd just been grocery shopping and the refrigerator was ominiously silent.
The guys didn't look too happy. Not only had someone failed to properly mark the electric service, but now they had to call the power company in to fix things. Which they did.
That made me happy. But I still had this nagging issue with the cell phone.
Once power was restored, I got online and started tapping away and discovered others who use the Tracfone brand were having similar issues with some of the Tracfone models. One blogger suggested deleting all received and outgoing calls.
I deleted all eight of my received calls.
I deleted all twenty of my outgoing calls.
Still got that "check call 34 restriction" message.
(cue automated voice: "Your brain is too small for this cell phone! Please hang up and try your call later.")
In desperation, I emailed the company and politely but firmly stated, "MAKE IT GO AWAY. The phone is no good to me if I can't use it."
To my surprise, Tracfone responded immediately. They called me. I talked to an honest-to-goodness real, live person who took down the details of the cell phone problem. Days later, a brand-spanking new cell phone arrived along with a postage-paid return envelope for me to return the old one.
After spending 45 minutes conversing with Timbuktu, my husband managed to have the new cell phone set up for use. I was near ecstatic.
Either this phone was simpler to use, or I was getting more adept with using the features. Whatever, I was no longer hearing that automated voice in my head saying, "You are so beyond technologically challenged that we can't believe you can even use a rotary dial phone."
At least, I was feeling good about it until the first time the phone rang.
I was sitting in my son's first grade classroom, talking with his teacher. The room was quiet - school hasn't started yet, the teachers are just getting things ready. Suddenly, I heard a loud jangle and something in my pocket started to vibrate wildly.
I jolted in my chair as though I'd been bitten by a snake (or, perhaps, a bat or bedbug - but that's another story). Embarrassed, I realized that sound was coming from me. . . I excused myself, and answered the cell phone in the hallway.
My husband laughed for five minutes after I explained why it took so long to answer the phone.
I'm thinking that the extremely loud ringtone volume needs to be turned down, and the vibrate function only needs to go on if I'm in a meeting of some sort.
Thing is, I'm not sure if I can have one function without the other.
I've checked the manual, and there's no sign either way.
I may just have to go back to rotary-dial phones.